Canons Are Overrated
by Rdk3
Summary: A fine morning in Gravity Falls, Stan's latest money making scan and a creature from the woods... Everything is fine! (Request from Barbacar)


**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls, and this was a request from Barbacar who kindly asked me to shoot a character from a canon.**

 **I hope everyone can have fun with this little one shot.** **XD**

* * *

It was a fine morning in a city called Gravity Falls.

It was also a money earning morning for a place called Mystery Shack.

On a side note it could also be called another day when Stanley Pines got something without paying for it.

"So you just took this?"

"No Wendy…" Was the nonchalantly answer. "I borrowed it for an indeterminate amount of time"

"It seems like you took it."

The old man, the one called Stanley Pines, narrowed his eyes at his grandnephew, who adjusted the lumberjack hat on his head. "Look kid, they were not using it, why would I let a perfect good attraction lay in rust forever?"

"But it's, this is…" Dipper bit his lower lip, frowning in a exasperate and annoyed way that only someone with practice could manage. "This is dangerous."

"It looks a lot like a canon Dipper!" Mabel Pines announced bouncing out of the Shack in a purple jeans clad attire with a white sweater which, coincidentally or not, held the drawing of a bomb. "Oh my gosh! Grunkle Stan, can we shoot glitter in the air!? Glue!? Can we enter it and then get shot and fly?"

"Sure kid, after Soos give it a try of course! This is the next big thing!"

"Did somebody summon me?" Soos asked appearing in his Mr. Mystery attire, the suit was very neat on him.

"Soos, what do you think of getting shot in the air, like a hero?" Stan asked excited drawing a imaginary sign with his hands. "A supper Mystery Hero!"

"I think that sounds awesome"

"What about getting smashed into a tree?" Dipper pointed out.

"Like a hero!" Said Stan.

"My grandma always said I was a hero" Soos practically straightened his back at that and Dipper sighed.

"I don't know man, I think Dipper's got a point. It seems to be a bit dangerous to be shot from a stolen…"

"Borrowed!"

"… Fine, a borrowed canon for a few bucks…" The young woman thought about it for a minute. "Even if it does sound awesome."

"Thanks Wendy" Dipper said, happy someone was on his side, if only barely.

"You're welcome dude"

"That is just you guys being a bunch of chickens! Let me tell you Soos. This number won't just safely get us a whole lot of money, it will safely make you fly into a very safely put net above a safely placed soft cushion." Stan explained everything with exaggerate hand gestures and a very convincing grin. "And then every client of the Mystery Shack will know this great hero. We can sell merchandise, and give autographs for like… Twenty bucks each! Maybe fifty!"

"Well, that does sounds good…" Soos said thoughtfully, he narrowed his eyes, circling his finger in the air. "Can I project my own costume Mr. Pines?"

"Anything as long as it's inside the budged"

"How much is budged?" Dipper deadpanned.

"Half of what is in my pocket" Stan said, he verified his left pocked, took out a bunch of money and quickly put it back. "Wrong pocket." He turned to the other and found two twenty dollar bills, handing one to Soos.

"Oh my gosh! Can I help? Soos can I help? Please, please, pleasepleaseplease!" The bouncing girl pleaded. "I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS!"

"Seriously Hambone?"

"Yeah Soos, how about…." She whispered something in his ear, making the big guy's eyes shine.

"We can use waffles!" Soos spoke in child like wonder.

"Exactly…" Mabel whispered back, taking his face in her hands, squishing his cheeks. "Waffles Soos… Waffles and Sprinkles…"

"Wait!" Dipper called out, stepping up to split the overexcited duo. "This is dangerous! Are you out of your minds! Soos!" Dipper turned to his friend, hating that he had to use his ultimate weapon. "What will Melody say?"

"Wow" Soos thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "I didn't think on that, maybe she won't like it… I mean she did say no to let me jump over those cars with the golf cart."

"She will love it Dipper! Soos could even ask her to marry him while doing it… Oh my gosh!" Mabel beamed at her friend. "You could totally do it Soos! It would be so romantic…"

"Soos" Dipper cautiously approached, staring at his friend. "Just talk to Melody, right now, Run to her and don't stop for anything, do you hear me?"

"Huh…" Soos looked from one twin to the other, gulped and nodded. "Okay…"

With that the big guy quickly walked back inside to ask his girlfriend if it was okay to be shot from a canon. Grunkle Stan groaned, kicking the piece hard. "All those modifications my nerd brother did to launch a human from this and you screwed it all up kid, thanks a lot"

"Is not my fault if you don't listen to reason."

"Yeah, Grukle Stan" Mabel grinned, poking Dipper's nose. "You should know by now mister party pooper wouldn't buy it, even if it is totally safe."

"Even if it sounds fun" Wendy agreed with a snicker, Dipper glared.

"Whose side are you own again?"

"The side of fun man, being your girlfriend and all that" She pecked his cheek and Dipper blushed, wondering how much she actually wanted to see Ford's modifications working. Honestly he did too.

"Did you at least test that thing to see if it really is safe?" He asked his great uncle, feeling Mabel's delighted expectation oozing from her like the time she found Soos' secret stash of caramel.

Grunkle Stan frowned. "Maybe?"

"Was that an affirmation or a question?"

"It doesn't make sense anyway" Wendy pointed out. "How do you maybe test something?"

* * *

Not far from the shack, in the depths of the woods, an odd mix of weirdness could be found in various forms inside the region of Gravity Falls… Be it animal, plant or mineral the weirdness that made the place a dangerous and amazing field of adventure was filled with it.

It just so happens that one of these oddities was taking a very peaceful and quiet nap in a clearing very close to a fallen branch serving as a pillow. The oddity in question was a creature, a very odd and weird creature that was like… Really odd and weird… Totally, of the kind that makes people run away screaming and questioning their sanity until eventually the person that ran away would stop and tell people about a very hairy, ugly, drooling, multi eyed monster only to be send to a mental hospital for being labeled odd and weird in the eyes of a society that needed the people around themselves to ignore and be ignored like good old sanity requests.

Anyway, back to the creature, it can be said that it was having a fine nap, taking off its natural stress and rage fits which were probably the kind of plot device that you will be seeing shortly. The hairy, ugly and drooling creature smiled in its sleep, having a nice little dream about slaughtered hunters and burning castles. Don't judge him for that though, if you knew about his history you would understand that he has a kind heart that just wants to nap, but that part won't be told here.

It was a completely and bad timed coincidence that right in that part of the dream when it's the best part, something was seen in the sky, something that was on fire, falling from great heights like a punch from heavens. The impact hit just at the branch, missing the creature for an inch, but obviously interrupting that awesome dream which, as we discussed, was in the best part.

What followed was the opening of an eye of all the tones of red seeming very insanely angry… Then the other ten eyes also opened, seeming just as upset.

* * *

"Why exactly did you have a Dipper mannequin in your room?" Wendy asked trying to seem nonchalant.

"Oh you know" Mabel said watching the fireball arching down into the woods. "You never know when you might need a fake dummy"

"But why did you dress him like me?" Dipper asked dumbfounded.

"Because I'm weird?"

"I'm on fire!"

"Your dummy is on fire, dummy"

"Wow, dude I think your fake arm just fell off… Aaand your head" Wendy blankly narrated, staring through the binoculars.

"Good to know" Dipper frowned and turned to his great uncle. "Tell me again why you thought putting Soos in there was a good idea?"

"It seemed safe enough on tv, and Ford said he would build something to put the circus to shame."

"It does cover a good distance" Wendy remarked, chewing the inside of her cheek.

"I don't understand… Ford totally said this was ready and safe, like with all the nerd words and stuff."

"Stanley!" Speaking of the devil, everyone turned around to see Stanford Pines leaving the house as Soos and an annoyed Melody stopped by the doorway. "Didn't you hear a word that I said about that canon?"

"Of course I heard! And look at that! You were totally wrong!"

"I told you the energy dispersion system was ready, but there was no isolation from the chemical reaction concerning the controlled explosion!"

"See?" Stan asked everyone "He said it was ready!"

"That was not what I said at all Stan!"

"What exactly did you do Grunkle Ford?" Dipper was curious now, thinking of his Grunkle's words with curiosity.

"Well, for one, I modified this worn out little thing over here" He tapped the side of the old armament, sounding extremely proud. "So the force of the shot wouldn't break a person with the strength of the explosion, like a controlled launch, but I didn't have time to isolate the explosion or control the force of the ignition that would make the launch short and safe."

"So that is why Dipper Dummy lost its head" Mabel pointed out with a knowing nod.

Ford blinked confused by the quote all together.

"Yeah that is…"

Whatever he was going to say, was stopped short at the sudden impact of a tree getting tumbled followed by a very furious and deafening roar that seemed to explode around them.

The aftermath was one of those moments where the silence seems unsettling and loud.

Dipper immediately gulped, turning slowly towards the forest. His totally awesome and cool girlfriend did a double check, with widened eyes.

"Dude, what was that?"

"It sounds upset" Melody said kind of pale.

"Like, in serious need of cookies and milk upset" Soos described.

"Oh no…" Ford whispered nervously. "That is not good."

"Do you know what it is Grunkle Ford?" Mabel asked playing nervously with the ends of her sweater.

Another roar followed and more trees fell, the sound obviously closer.

"Spill it nerdbrain!" Stan said, giving a step back with everyone else.

"It's a creature that I encountered before, a monster that I called… Monster"

"A monster Monster!" Mabel shrieked, before frowning. "That is lame"

"Totally" Wendy agreed.

"Seriously?" Dipper had the most befuddled expression from everyone else. The others were trying to fight fear too.

"I couldn't think of a better word to describe it…" Another roar was heard, this one cracking Ford's glasses. "See?"

"Well… what do we…"

The obvious and very necessary question was stopped as the Monster finally tumbled the trees at the edge of the forest, forcing Wendy to pull her boyfriend back. He thanked her quietly, getting to his feet just to see the creature stepping in the clearing with heavy footsteps, with the gang waiting for it. Wendy pulled her hatchet… Ford pulled a gun… Melody sweat dropped… Soos's mouth formed a perfect impressed O… Stan gave another step back.

Dipper gulped.

Mabel had a different reaction.

"HE IS SO CUTE!" She yelled right away, but before she could make a move a strong hand grabbed her by the shoulder.

"Mabel." Ford said using his serious situation voice. "Stop"

"Grunkle Ford, look at him, he doesn't look like a monster, he looks like a little cutie in need of a hug" Mabel said beaming at the creature, Ford was still pulling her back.

The creature in question was standing right behind the tumbled trees. He had a tiny body, fuelled with pinky red fur like cotton candy. The claws were small stuck to puffy feet and the eyes were about eleven all in the front, big and enchanted like a puppy.

"He doesn't… Look that bad" Wendy recognized, Ford merely gritted his teeth.

"Don't let it fool you, any of you. There stands the most monstrous creature to ever roam those woods" He narrowed his eyes. "Nothing will stop his need for seeing the red of blood spilled by those savage claws." The creature sniffled cutely. "NOTHING!"

What followed the words was an eerily silence, enveloping the shack into a bubble of expectation while the monster Monster seemed to stare back at them with wonder. His eyes seemed to scan everyone, one by one, finally stopping at the certain redhead, who blinked.

"Huh… Guys. I think he is looking at me"

"Maybe he likes you, oh my gosh I'm so jealous." Mabel said optimistically, right away the little creature let out a very cute hiss though. "Maybe not"

"Run Wendy!" Ford yelled, aiming and shooting.

The tiny pink being jumped away from the blast and suddenly he was growing, the paws getting bulgy and tall, and suddenly a whole body seemed to come out of the little body, pale and furry, taller than a mannotaur. His mouth full of teeth opened and suddenly the hiss was not so cute anymore.

"Wendy!" Dipper yelled as the creature jumped, his feet landing where Wendy had been only moments ago, before she rolled to the side. The hatchet swirled in her hand and she struck, the blade was true and her aim even better, but the steel merely bounced off the monster.

"Oh boy!" Wendy said as the creature turned his eleven angry eyes at her. "Sorry?

"The softness of that fur is virtually indestructible!" Ford yelled, trying another shot. "Wendy, you have to run!"

"Where?" The young woman yelled, running as Ford shot blast after blast at the creature whom seemed to be completely ignoring the mosquito bites of every impact. It was getting angry now, taking chunks out of the ground and tossing earth and stones into the air in the chase of its prey.

"To the woods! We can only hope to get this creature tired, that or we have to find his weakness!"

"What is his weakness?" Dipper yelled, as Mabel protected him from a few rocks. Wendy was still jumping out of the way of the very sharp claws.

"A very rare species of mushroom!"

"How rare?" Asked Stan ducking behind the totem.

"It only appears at winter on the mountains, under a very humid cave with the touch of a rainbow."

"Are you freaking kidding me?!" Wendy yelled angrily ducking to the side, she rolled and turned around. "How long until it gets tired?!"

"Half an hour" He thought a little about it. "Maybe one"

"Great…" And with that, Wendy turned one last smile at Dipper, the young man yelling at her before she turned and ran into the woods.

The creature roared loudly, hitting the ground and making it shake before launching itself after its target.

"WENDY!" Dipper yelled about to run after them, before Ford stopped him.

"Wait Dipper, that monster has an impenetrable skin, a monstrous strength and an even worst attitude if he was woken before its nap was finished. That is what happened to this one I bet. We need to figure a strategy to keep him away from Wendy and tire him into sleep."

"Yes but…"

"Dipper" Mabel was suddenly by his side, staring at him with brown eyes, soft and caring. "Listen, Wendy is perfectly capable of staying away from that thing, meanwhile we need to find a way to help, and it won't be with you running after that meanie."

"B-but…" The young man stuttered his heart was pounding with worry, aching because his love was in danger, yet a sane side of his brain knew Mabel had a point. "FINE! What do we do?"

"Why is that thing even after Wendy?" Stan asked.

"Maybe because she was wearing Dipper's cap and.. you know, maybe that dummy of Dipper landed and disturbed him making him very angry and it's now focusing its wrath on another person wearing the same pine tree symbol." Blankly everyone stared at Soos, as the big man finished his tirade, chuckling to himself at the attention. "Or you know, maybe he doesn't like flannel"

* * *

Not so much tired as she was feeling incredibly annoyed, Wendy found herself thinking back at her day as she leapt from one branch to a lower one, then landed swiftly on the ground holding her dork's old hat atop her head.

Earlier she had hoped for a lazy day, away from work or responsibilities, goofing off with Dipper and doing essentially nothing. She should have known better. After so long, she clearly should have known better.

This was Gravity Falls, of course her lazy planned day would end with her being chased around the woods by a freak monster called Monster. Just great!

Now, as she felt her muscles burning, breathing quickly from her nose, she ducked right, out of the way of a falling pine tree. She climbed around, mixing herself in the woods, running for her life as she heard the loud roars from her pursuer. The steps making the earth shake as birds and animals chirped out of the way.

"Cowards!" She called out to a bunch of fleeing squirrels.

She was jumping over a small stream when a buzzing in her back pocket alerted to her phone.

"Hello" She said slightly out of breath.

"Wendy!" Dipper almost yelled at the other end of the line. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are…"

"Slow down dork" She stopped running just a bit, hearing the monster stepping up before starting to jog away at a random direction. "I'm fine for now"

"Okay… t-that is… that is good"

"Wow, I am the one running and you're out of breath" She said snickering to her boyfriend.

"Yes… You're right, of course. Sorry I... Listen Wendy, we might have a plan about stopping the Monster Monster… Can't believe I said that."

"I know" There was a loud tumble of trees at her back. "I would love to hear that plan right now."

"Get to somewhere high, where I can see you."

"High?" She saw something peering over the woods. "The water tower."

"Okay, go there…"

"Right" there was silence now, as Wendy took a deep breath jumping over a fallen trunk with grace. She didn't ask why she needed to do that, she trusted Dipper completely.

"Love you" Dipper said, warming her racing heart.

"Love you too"

She ended the call, and increased the rhythm of her steps, now more than motivate to get back to her lazy day.

* * *

Dipper gulped.

"This is a bad idea"

"It's a great idea"

"You say that about every idea"

"Nope" Mabel said zipping up the anti-flames suit on her brother. "Just about the ideas that are great."

"Yeah, but this is the worst"

"You said that ten times already Dipper, do you want to save your girlfriend or not?" Mabel said narrowing her eyes at her fidgeting twin.

"I want to save my girlfriend" He admitted blushing.

"I knew it" Mabel said, booping his nose and moving in front of the canon.

Dipper looked at the thing and gulped again, glad he hadn't had lunch yet. His body was already sweaty and itchy, and his legs were requiring a huge effort just to keep himself standing before that suicidal decision.

"Hey Dipper, do you want like a cape or something? I feel like you should have a cape"

"No Soos thanks" Dipper managed, before entering the canon, eyeing his two Grunkles suspiciously. "Soooo…."

"Don't worry Dipper" Ford said, aiming the canon with his lunette. "I can see the water tower from here, the cannon will shoot you right over it. You just have to time your actions perfectly and nothing will go wrong."

"Be perfect and nothing goes wrong, that is so reassuring" Dipper said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I just have one question, does he have to wear that?" Stan said, pointing with his cane.

"It was the only fireproof material I had."

"Why would your only leftover of fireproof material be pink and yellow?"

"They give you a discount if you buy the special lot with all colors" Ford explained nonchalantly as Dipper tried to ignore everyone. "To be fair, I think I did a pretty good job."

"And it's very beautiful" Mabel thought sincerely.

"Thanks Mabel" Said a resigned Dipper, getting comfortable inside the metal cylinder. He felt the platform with his fireproof boots and gulped one more time, tightening his hold at the straps and the flashlight at his waist.

"Now get ready Dipper, I can see Wendy climbing the tower."

"Okay"

"WAIT!" Mabel yelled, going towards Ford with puppy dog eyes. "Please Grunkle Ford… Can I light the canon? Pleeease?"

Ford smiled. "I don't see why not"

* * *

Wendy was already halfway up Gravity Falls' Water Tower when she felt the big wooden structure almost bending. Looking down she groaned feeling a touch of fear as the creature started to climb after her, his big claws digging ditches at every beam the monster held on to.

His claws suddenly shot forward and she ducked, holding tight to the pinetree cap on her head.

"You jerk!" She yelled in frustration. "You just wait for me to get some mountain rainbow mushroom!" The young woman mumbled, climbing higher, until she was right at the top of the water tower. "I'm gonna flipping find you and kick your sorry fluffy ass!"

The creature lounged again, roaring at her while raining spittle over her. Wendy cringed and ran behind the water tower for cover, hoping Dipper was doing whatever he had to.

Just as she was about to round the water tower though, the top of it was destroyed, the letters that formed the words Gravity Falls torn in half as splinter and broken tiles fell with a thud towards the ground, leaving Wendy face to face with eleven eyes, pointed teeth and an exaggerate amount of fur covered muscles about to attack her.

Then she heard what sounded like and explosion, or a bit like thunder.

* * *

CrapCrapCrapCrapCrapCrap… Dipper thought nonstop as he found his gut turning to water, his belly flipped and he lost all notion of space for a second as he felt the canon launching him towards the sky.

Next he knew the wind was beating fast against his face, his limbs flayed around finding no support to himself, and he rubbed the goggles to try and find where he was.

Suddenly he was met with a bright blue sky, the sight so beautiful he got enthralled by it. Then he remembered where he was an despite the sight, the notion that he was several feet above solid ground, seeing the forest below and the approaching side of the water tower started to come closer.

"Oh boy… Oh boy" He said, bracing himself, resisting the urge to open his parachute before the right time.

He could see the monster Monster had Wendy cornered at the water tower, her red hair like a waving flag for him to pursue. Gritting his teeth, Dipper groaned again as his heart pounded, meeting the monster's eleven eyes as he finally caught its attention. Then suddenly he was flying over the tower, just above and his hand moved in a flash, pulling the cord.

The sudden pull hurt, almost making him puke his organs out, but just like Ford said, he was now falling towards the tower, hearing Wendy shouting something that sounded a lot like his name, before Dipper whipped the flashlight from his pocket. The monster roared at the unwanted approach, Dipper saw the claw ready to cut him to ribbons once he was in its reach. Before that could happen though he pointed the flashlight and turn it on. The light went through a glued together crystal, hitting the monster dead on, his form disappearing the more Dipper got closer.

Then his feet hit the floor and a very unmanly yelp escaped his lips as he lost his footing and the ground came flying towards his face.

* * *

Wendy was still for a second before running up to the where the parachute landed, just at the edge of the tower's platform. Quickly she untangled Dipper from there, cutting the cords with a pocket knife, before letting his head rest on her lap. She took the goggles and the helmet uncovering his half lidded eyes and messy hair.

"Dipper, dude, are you okay?"

"Hey" He said, groaning a little more. "Wendy."

"It's me dude" She said with a warm smile.

"You okay?"

"Yeap, what about you, that was quite the awesome number you just did"

"Yeah?" He asked no sure of it. "I feel all funny, my head hurts too" He tried to sit up, but quickly fell back, fixing her with a soft look. "Next time you save me and I run from the monster okay?" Wendy giggled.

"Sure, now just rest man, I think you went through too much already" She said, not even feeling tired after running. Dipper nodded slowly.

"The monster?" He asked in a tired mumble.

Just then, Wendy became conscious of something pocking at the side of her boot. Turning around she saw the monster, now with the size of a tiny mouse, trying to claw at the thick material with utmost conviction. The flashlight now lying broken on the ground.

"I think we can take care of it now"

"Good" He seemed to fight off getting sleep yet. "Wendy?"

"Yeah?"

"Canons are overrated, tell Mabel I said that." Then he passed out, the strain catching up to him.

Wendy shook her head amusedly, leaving her pressing question for later. She surely would like to know about the half pink and half yellow spandex he was wearing, but right now she just chuckled to herself tucking his hair away from his forehead and planting a soft peck to his birthmark.

* * *

 **So... Was it nice? I hope it was okay, it is certainly nice to publish something after so long...** **XD**


End file.
